What's going on?

Okay, it's 3:30 in the morning, and I can't seem to get to sleep.

It feels kinda scary. Every time I go to try to fall asleep, it's like some reflex in my mind floods my body with "awakeness" (it doesn't feel like adrenaline, so I don't know what to call it) as if losing my consciousness would be fatal or something. It's like it wakes me up out of fear or something.


This is not the first night that I've had this happen, but this IS the first night that it's been this bad.

I was able to get over it last night and the night before, but tonight it seems stronger -- way stronger.

I don't know what's going on, and it's kinda creepy because, as far as I know, it's not something that I'm consciously controlling.

I feel tired, but I can't seem to get to sleep.

I think this all started a few nights ago (I don't remember how many) when, when I was on the verge of falling asleep and my mind was wandering into like, imagining stuff out of boredom or whatever and I was only kinda "half-there" you know, like the way you get as you fall asleep, all of a sudden, I got this crazy SHOCK awake, like the kind of shock you get when you're falling asleep in class and you have that weird reflex that makes you jerk your head up and wake up, looking around you all confused-like as you remember where you are after having been asleep, except this shock was way, way stronger -- stronger than any I've ever felt to my memory. I've never had issues with this before, and so I'm really confused as to what is going on...

Additionally, as I sit here typing this stuff, I can tell that something is... off. I don't know how to describe it, but I feel slightly weird. I am feeling in my head occasional feelings that are similar to what it is like to fall asleep in class and then wake up suddenly. It has to do with the way you mentally "feel" when you're about to fall asleep. It's weird. And kinda scary. Especially since my father's side of the family has some people who have mental disorders. :(

I hope (and pray) that this is nothing serious...

Please pray for me, if you are reading this, because I am brave in the face of all outside adversaries, but the idea of facing a body that is malfunctioning or something is really, really creepy. Very not cool.

I place this into God's hands, who loves me more than words can tell, and who desires for me love, peace, comfort, and safety, beyond all of my understanding.

Self-Respect

I learned something of exceedingly great importance tonight at my Bible Study: I don't respect myself enough. Not nearly enough.

And I think I have a good idea as to what has contributed to that lack of self-respect: my own parents, most particularly my mother, have never really respected me. And I've always loved them and valued their opinions to a very high degree, so it's no wonder that I don't respect myself when they themselves regard me in their minds as less than I am. Far, far less than I am.

I wonder how many things this has cost me? How many days and nights of doubt and uncertainty?

No matter. All I care about is that now that I understand this, what am I going to do about it?

I hope to prayerfully and carefully pursue making up for years and years of a lack of self-respect. And I hope to incorporate this knowledge into my formation of myself as an excellent person (as opposed to a merely adequate person).

Fascinating. I wonder how many other instances of "you don't realize this but here it is, and now that you know it you are way better off than you were" are locked away on a videocassette somewhere?

All I know is, that God continues to be awesome, and I hope and pray that I don't stray from Him as I move forward with what I've learned and act on it.